Morning Melancholy

By the time the sky begins to lighten

In anticipation of the coming day.

I’ve already passed through the morning’s melancholy

Tears, shed under the stars fading glow have dried,


Their cause, not obvious, leaves a lingering unease.

Their unbidden appearance suggests to me a deficit,

Some essential element missing in the world I inhabit.

Or pointing to a sorrow within me of which I am unaware.


This solitary life I lead, long absent a chorus of voices

To provide less toxic explanations.

Leaves me to endlessly repeat

The silent conversation of my insecurities.


A voice reaches out from deep within my memory.

Whispering a warning of the impermanence of words,

Words imagined in the finest detail, yet never spoken aloud.

Now, to be lost forever to this fleeting, transitory life.


This desire to be remembered beyond my numbered days,

A natural rebellion against the imagined darkness of the abyss.

Compels this quest for an antidote to deaths finality.

Yet I have no great works to stake a claim for remembrance.


Will all that I am disappear along with my last breath?

Or will my words, if I chosen well, live on?

As an epitaph carved in stone, standing against time

To carry my name beyond the grave.


Chemistry and Smiles

images2I have never really been acutely self aware, Its only in the time since I began to transition that the thousands of moments that make up each day have stopped sliding by unnoticed.

In the year before my gender confirmation surgery I walked, almost every day. I was trying hold back the ravages of time, strengthen some abdominal muscles to make my recovery easier. I walked 5 or 6 miles four or five times a week and over the course of that year I walked over a thousand miles. I think it definitely helped as I was up and walking again within a few weeks of my return home.

I was doing well, but as usual a storm was brewing on the horizon. The anti depressant I had been taking wasn’t working anymore and a change in medications was a disaster. Then there was the election which made me insane. In August of that year it all caught up with me, I stopped walking, my diet went to hell and I started smoking again. How I thought that would help anything is beyond me, but I never blamed the depression I was dealing with or should I say not dealing with. My Zoloft experience, otherwise known as my Zoloft detour into the night of the living dead convinced me to skip the antidepressants completely. It wasn’t long before I was back on the roller coaster again, up and down, up and down.

I have said that I’m not absolutely opposed to taking medication to ease the wild swings in my world, but I’m not willing to abandon all of my joyful moments in order to avoid the sorrowful ones. So it was, that after a number of months on the emotional carnival ride, I was forced to reassess my situation. My conclusion was that I had only one course of action and so with a bit of mild trepidation I agreed to try another antidepressant. I know that all these negative thoughts and self destructive habits all boil down to an upset in the chemistry of my brain. Although knowing and accepting are definitely two different things. Back to the chemistry lab I go…..

Well I’m happy to report that the first week has found me back to my old self, or at least on the road to that destination. I’ve begun walking again, it’s been two days since I’ve smoked and it even seems that I have lost a couple of pounds.

So here’s to a long and satisfying run with this miracle of modern chemistry.

 

 

Amidst the Waves

imagesMy life exists amidst these waves,

laughter and tears swing in time to their rhythm,

Undulations passing in relentless cadence

Pursuing their endless journey beyond the horizon.

 

I’m left to rise and fall, as crest follows trough.

Sadness, dense and impenetrable, is once again spreading

Each time I hope to be the last, yet wishful thinking won’t make it so

Each arrival leaving me blind to all the joy that came before.

 

I long for the first rays of morning and the return of the light

But dawns arrival, reveals sadness stretching beyond my sight.

Preserving my remaining happiness depends on forward motion

Like a flat stone skipping across calm waters.

 

To stop, is to dive headlong into a vast despondent sea.

Yet this eventual plunge seems inevitable, unstoppable.

Intervals between each touchdown have grown briefer,

The rise from each momentary graze becoming shallower.

 

Whether I settle gradually as momentum fails.

Or crash abruptly on the face of a windblown wave, the result is the same

I’m submerged once again, shrouded in silence, cloaked in darkness.

Struggling again to regain the surface, to divine heavens direction

 

At last it appears that I am lost, and exhaustion has taken me body and soul

When fighting further seems pointless, the peace beyond calls to me.

At the moment when acceptance of finality has replaced fear

The surface parts and I stare again into the blue of a cloudless sky above

 

Sun shines down upon my face, my lungs fill with unexpected reassurance

A raging sea only moments ago, now lies tranquil and calm

Buoyed by the unexpected passage of the storm,

I float placidly as my strength returns, as my hopes are renewed.

 

Once more, from the light into the darkness and back again into the light

Once more the cycle has been completed.

Once more I turn and begin the steady passage back to shore.

Once more I wonder how long the light will last.