I’ve wondered where the tears have been hiding
during this past month of smiles and orgasms.
This morning they announced their return from their brief vacation,
Overflowing with feelings of inadequacy they proclaim, today I am not enough.
Why does it matter today but did not yesterday?
I’m curious how others keep from losing their way
as I desperately struggle to hold onto who I am
How could I have lost all that once was thought to be unalterably settled?
Sudden flashes of incongruity, unexplained waves of dysphoria
shout that I don’t belong, that I’m not who I think I am.
That all the bits of womanhood I’ve gathered to myself
are just props in the stage production, in which Rachel is simply a character
What triggers this wave of self-doubt, has always remained just beyond reach
My intellect has proven to be no match
for deeply ingrained fears of being an imposter.
A lifetime of immersion in the masculine world
created patterns that although appearing to have been erased
have proven yet again to be indelible.
At a moment’s inattention they reassert themselves
Today, sitting on the edge of that familiar dark hole
Stuck in limbo, between then and now,
Between tears and laughter with no idea
How to move one way or the other
The theme for today is fear
Fear that I’ll lose my balance and slide into darkness
There are few of life’s battles as exasperating as those against my own thoughts.
The belief that I should be able to battle back
To take control, and exert my will,
has been proven to be a total fallacy.
I know the signs, I know the coping strategies
But as so much in life, it’s so much easier said than done
I am powerless to influence the direction
Of the wave bearing down on me.
So here I sit