I need to release these words, these emotional triggers, they’re bound up in my psyche like moths in a spider web, I need to cut them free, let them drop to the ground

But to deal with the feelings I have to deal with the pain that comes from confronting them, without any assurance that it will do anything other than make me feel bad.

I had a dream the other day, the phone rang and when I said hello I was surprised to hear my daughters voice.

In a sweet bubbly voice, she said “we’re having a cookout for the 4^th why don’t you join us for some grilled hot dogs and beer.”

I immediately woke up, struck with the realization that this was a dream, because this would never happen.

The disappointment will surely linger all day

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This morning I watched a program on PBS, an in depth look at gay history and profiles of individuals and their personal histories and struggles. Each of them discussed the people and events that were instrumental in their acceptance of the fact that they were gay. Looking back, they realized how it was a pivotal moment that kept them from living their lives in darkness.

In most cases, the moment in their history that proved to be life changing wasn’t significant in isolation, yet even the largest explosion requires a spark.

In one case it was simple as acceptance. A friend, the first he had come out to said, “none of that matters you’re Tom and we’re friends.” Now 40 some years later he sought to reconnect with her to tell her how important that moment in his life had proven to be.

I never did find out if he had success in finding her, I couldn’t watch anymore, I was crying so hard. It was natural that I would take each of their stories and compare it to my own. The results left an ache.

All those years, how would my life have played out if I had had a friend that made me feel safe enough to be honest with. Could their simple acceptance have nourished the awareness of who I actually was and released me from a lifetime of darkness?