I’ve written about the Cruel Irony of being triggered by individuals whose job is to help me.
There was a time that I would never have let them or anyone else know what it was that had suddenly turned my world upside down. To my credit, my growth into the person I am today has included a healthy dose of self-confidence as well as a new-found ability to allow myself to be vulnerable. What that meant in this case was that this was the very first topic of conversation at my next therapist appointment.
In fairness to her, after unloading all my shit, in a nice way naturally, we had a long discussion about the demons rattling in my head that were so offended.
I accept the rationale that medications need to be monitored especially since the anti-depressant treatment is basically a trial and error crap shoot. The problem that I have is that I have carried a load of baggage through my life, much of it related to my existence as a trans woman. Years of having thought I was insane and it would only be a matter of time before I was carried away to a locked psych ward has left me slightly less than trusting. This fear prevented me from seeking a therapist all my life much to my own detriment. The feeling that these providers could be whispering secrets about me, while not really rational, is no less real to me.
The casual mention of bipolar disease lit up my fight or flight response warning lights. A diagnosis like that would carry so much more stigma than being simply depressed, not only in my own head but in the world at large. It changes the response from one of sympathy to one of fear, with many people view it as something akin to schizophrenia, a mental illness that could potentially make you dangerous.
So, an off-hand comment about my fear that the good mood I was in wouldn’t last or was all an illusion led it become a self-fulfilling prophesy. In the end I have decided that I’m not bipolar, an opinion shared by my therapist and others, but the smallest seed of self-doubt was left behind.
As an accomplished over thinker having worst case scenario as a core strength I’m sure this will come back to bite me at some point.