With growing anxiety, the realization takes form.
That this relationship we share, is actually a living thing.
Born with limitless promise and thought to be immortal.
Now grown and matured, does decline to demise naturally follow?
A stranger to me now, only with difficulty can I recall
The fearful person that first reached out,
Uncertain, yet determined to discover understanding.
So accomplished at hiding, yet finally prepared to be honest.
My search for understanding led me to your door
Where with a simple, “What brings you here?” we set out
I replied, “I want to have Gender Confirmation Surgery,
But I don’t think I like guys, so what good is a vagina?”
With your first reassuring smile, we began our journey together.
You told me I already knew the answer and that you would help me find it.
I thought it would be a simple task, the discovery of my path,
Surely the passage to womanhood would be well-worn and obvious
A straight line, from there he is, to there she goes, but
It’s never that simple, each of us is a unique set of complications
Detours at each step, walls built from the scars of a lifetime.
Life intrudes, bringing divorce, betrayal, missing friends, and lost jobs.
We have been through all these emotions together
The euphoria of the beginning, drenched in unbounded optimism
The certainty slowly dissolving, under a barrage of unexpected tribulations
The depression, days filled with dark skies and darker thoughts
I have shared with you the darkness as it closed in around me
I see the concern grow in your face, as I let my hopelessness escape
Later, I will struggle with the guilt for having succeeded but,
I wanted you to be worried, as I was more worried than I had ever been
Your calm voice and steady demeanor buoyed me during my crisis
Keeping my head above water until the sun finally returned
My payment, my rediscovered smiles and a joy in living,
The sharing of all the blessings the Universe has bestowed on me.
The depth of my feelings have grown, watered by each tear
The peace and comfort of my soul continuing to expand.
Fed by the laughter and smiles that we’ve shared,
The value of this connection has become priceless
I recall fondly, a barely perceptible smirk breaking into a disarming smile
As I recount yet another case of my obvious foolishness.
I’m pleased as you take pride in my proving that I have grown,
That I now recognize when the old paths and old habits call out to me.
Yet I wonder, what is this place that you occupy in my heart?
Are you a teacher, a confessor, muse or mother?
No one has ever known me so deeply, so honestly, so completely
I have shared parts of me that no one had ever seen before, yet
I struggle to remember we are not friends, that we cannot be friends,
It is such a paradox, that to help me, I had to be vulnerable
And now as our journey appears to be coming to its conclusion
I will have to deal with feelings unlike any I’ve never known
The journey we have shared began with its ending defined
I now have the answers, to the questions I had posed.
With my transition completed, we have arrived together.
What’s comes next will certainly test my resilience.
The tears flow at the thought of going on without you
But as a child growing to adulthood
The time must come to make my way in the world
I must go on alone.