Emergence

indexHow could it have gone by so quickly? I had dreamed, wished, and prayed for this for as  long as I can truthfully remember. Today I stand almost 2 two weeks from the day I started my trip to Montreal and while not a blur, I don’t have the crisp crystal clear recollections that I had had anticipated. I had said that I would pay close attention to everything, the sights, sounds, smells, all the bits of information that my senses would gather in. Well that was my intention anyway. It was also my plan to write about nothing in particular and everything in general and I managed to write nothing at all. Still trying to figure that one out.  The memories from that ten days exist as individual moments having lost the continuous flow of the original experience. I think it’s time to a least begin processing some of what I experienced and how I felt and how it compared to what I imagined it was going to be like.

The first thing to note is that like everything else I have experienced in my transition, this was just another event that failed to live up to the fear, anxiety, and apprehension that my mind had conjured up. It also failed to bear any resemblance to vision that my mind had scripted.

The people at Dr Brassard’s facility in Montreal were absolute angels. I can’t say enough about their kindness, compassion and patience, and Dr Brassard is himself a serious hunk. Wow never thought I would say that out loud, but really, handsome, gentle, great sense of humor.

There are so many ways to look at this absolutely life changing experience. First of all is the simple physical process, the surgery, the start of recovery, the hiccups and small bumps in the road. The expected and the surprising revelations.

This is all occurring simultaneously with the emotional, spiritual feelings and reflections that such a time generates. I will tell you that those are some of the most powerful feelings I have ever or will ever experience in my life. The icing on the cake are those moments when laughter is the only appropriate response or when the mind says simply seriously? When you suddenly you discover again how little I actually know about the road I’m traveling and much there is to learn.

To begin with, each of us approach this with all the anxiety that you would expect from someone standing on a cliff ready to jump, a decision from which there is obviously no return. The decision that has brought me to this precipice been questioned and answered a thousand times over the last four years. The fear that I might have been in error the last 1000 times means that the powers that be feel obligated to ask me one more time, are you sure?

I’ve had only a single lifetime to decide that this is what I want to do but………..                Just kidding not that I have not ever had second thoughts but they are all fading quickly into my past. Being confident that this is the correct path does not negate the worry and fear of the unknown. How much will it hurt? Reading a list of things that could go wrong is different then that moment when your mind accepts that this is really going to happen,

There are so many things to wonder about so many things that there is no way to know the answer to. Many of which could go either way depending on the attitude I bring to the situation. Will I be happy with the results, most days I’m sure the answer will be yes other days maybe not, just like every other day every other situation. The only way to find out is to live it, the answer will become apparent in very short order.

 

 

 

 

 

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