I am a transgender woman and have always been so
As such, from the first day I admitted this out loud
The question has always been, where are you going with this?
Do you want the “surgery?” complete with the obligatory air quotes.
The answer is yes, a resounding, unequivocal yes
And as the date looms large on the horizon and
The countdown winds around to zero
I know exactly what it will be like, I’ve dreamed it all before
I’ve been here before, hundreds of times
The fear has long since evaporated
Nervous anticipation washes over me in waves
As excitement grows minute by minute.
I focus on the sights and sounds of the moment
To burn them into my memory
To be remembered and retold to myself
Again and again for the rest of my life.
As a sense of incredible peace comes over me
I wonder, how much of it is the drugs they’ve given me?
How much is the culmination of a lifetime of yearning
It doesn’t really matter, all is ready, just breathe
I lie upon the gurney, a few final tears mark my cheeks
An angelic face leans down and in a soft soothing voice
Speaks the words I will never forget, are you ready?
All I can say is yes, it’s all that I need to say.
The journey to the operating room is slow and steady
Befitting the significance of this short journey
I watch as the lights above me pass as rhythmic milestones.
Another of the many countdowns I’ve marked
The final set of doors open, on the other side my new life awaits
As the anesthesia begins, I close my eyes for the final moments
I wait as the darkness closes in
And wonder in this instant, if the caterpillar dreams of flying
First came the awareness
Of the blackness,
A living thing wrapped about my mind
Reluctant to release its hold
It yields ever so slightly at my minds insistence
Melting slowly back into the dream
Fragments of reality reappear fitfully
Coalescing into a memory
Dissolving in the soft light, and muffled sound
The world reappears, but the vision lingers.
The dream has always ended the same
I wake to the question, “where am I, could this be real?”
This time is different, I awaken to an unknown world
My life has changed forever during this momentary sleep,
I’ve waited for this for so long, I’ve dreamed of this for so long
Patience abandons me, so close now, I will the fog to clear
A lifetime of dreaming and waiting, over in an instant
My mind seeks connection to my new reality
Reaching out to nerves and muscles still paralyzed
Searching for that first glimmer of sensation
I know the truth, the recollection has returned
But I crave proof, a feeling, a sensation, a glimpse
Straining to focus, what do I expect to see?
A short gasp of breath at the sight of the bandages
Gone the ever changing lumps and bumps
Replaced by smoothness, a continuous unobtrusive curve
A simplicity belying the beauty that lies below
Could this be real? Again that question reappears
The thought brings a momentary wave
Of panic, or fear, or joy? Perhaps all 3, perhaps all at once
Breath deep, close my eyes, Let the fear and panic drift away
No it’s a feeling of completeness, of wholeness…