A Time of Introspection

birth cert imbolcI have been absent from my blog as up coming events in my life have contributed to my normal level of anxiety. My arrival at the six week mark in my countdown has moved my surgery from the intellectual and theoretical to the state of “Holy Shit!”

It is in this state of heightened mental awareness that I have been compelled to actually spend some serious energy thinking about what it all means. I have come so far but it is important for me to look back to where I came from, as I also look forward to this life changing event.

I have made the decision that at an upcoming Imbolc ceremony tomorrow I will make a final break with my past. I will do this by burning my original birth certificate and speaking my intention to let go of the emotions and feelings that are getting in the way of being truly and completely Rachel.

It is time.

Here are my words.

 

A time of monumental change looms large
It calls for purposeful introspection
I seek in this moment the confirmation
The revelation of who I am, and who I have become

Reflecting upon those that have shared my odyssey
Some remain, while others live on only in my memory
Some I have called friends, a few have worn the mantel of lover
I acknowledge all the teachers, the members of my family

I thank each and every one of you for your part in my journey
All have contributed bits of themselves to the woman I am today
If you could not make this transition with me, I understand
I have forgiven you and will always carry you in my heart

All of you have taught me lessons in what it means to be alive
Some have been painful, leaving scars that marked my passage
Others have helped me on the road to healing and self-acceptance
All have been necessary, all have shaped the person that Rachel is today

So many have opened their hearts to me
So many have shared priceless gifts with me.
To those I have injured in my struggle to become my true self
I ask for your understanding and forgiveness.

To Richard, from whom was required the greatest sacrifice of all
I thank you, the best parts of your being will always be a part of Rachel
Your sense of humor, empathy, and wonder at the beauty of the Universe
Are at the core of my being, my happiness is the greatest gift you ever gave me.

To my mother, the woman that gave me life, I wish you could have known Rachel
The conversation we never had will forever be one of my greatest regrets.
Some have said that you surely know, I hope in the depth of my heart that is true
That you can sense my happiness and my gratitude.

As the flames consume this document, this record of my birth
A fragile paper representation of the person that I was
I release that person, I release the past, the sorrow, anger, and the resentment
And look to create an entirely new future reborn as Rachel, complete and authentic.

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