Another Step

Another morning, another milestone, yet another step on the journey.
At my favorite table in my favorite coffee shop, looking down at the airline ticket I just purchased to take me to and from Montreal. Leaving before dawn on March the 12th, I return as the final embodiment of Rachel’s feminine spirit on March the 22nd.
The 20th of March is my birthday and the first day of spring, a time of rebirth that will take on a much deeper meaning to me this time and forever after.
Each time I read that line the tears well up in my eyes and my breath stutters just a bit.

I ponder the meaning of all these feelings welling up. I am excited, at bit terrified and oh so curious. I wander back through my memories, viewing snippets of a lifetime living in the shadows. The more time I spend, immersed in recollections, the more instances I remember of being out of sync with who I really was. I have always had a sense of when I became aware of my gender incongruity, but the truth is that it made me so uncomfortable I didn’t think about it much, it was just there.
That has changed since I transitioned and I became comfortable with the reality of me. I realize now how much earlier in my life I knew of my differences. It doesn’t really change anything but it does help to reassure me that this is not a dream.

I imagine everyone goes through these feelings as they make their way down this final stretch of a journey that has lasted a lifetime.
I know the steps, I know the path, in my mind, in my dreams, I have taken those same steps and traced the journey ten thousand times. The realization takes root that this time is different, that this time is real, that it is not just another one of the countless dreams I have had over the course of my lifetime.
I look down at these pieces of paper, I look beyond the words “confirm your GRS”, beyond the departure time listed on the plane ticket and I marvel at what they represent. A dream made reality, a future made whole that was until now only fog and shadow.

I continue to deal with the anxiety of the unknown, and the certain knowledge that life will never be the same again, but the excitement grows a bit more each day.

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