They call it Gender Dysphoria
I call it, Seriously, What the Fuck?
I mean whose idea of a joke is this?
I was born to be a tall, good looking,
Intelligent, well spoken, middle class
White Guy
A bearer of privilege
Due all the honors and benefits occurring there to
With all that accompanies such a life
Better pay, a better job, more opportunities

How did that work out I hear you say?

Well…..
When I look in the mirror
I see a tall, relatively good looking
Intelligent, well spoken, middle class
Get ready here it comes
Woman
Seriously?
Do you have any idea what it takes to make that leap?
It’s like trying to jump the friggin’ Grand Canyon on your bicycle.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance
Sound familiar? The stages of grief also seem to apply to dealing with dysphoria
No, this can’t possibly be true…………… I’m afraid it is.
There is no fucking way I am going to give in to this……………yes you will.
Maybe if I just cross dress……………………..nope that’s not the answer.
Suicide is the only possible answer, I looked at that one a long, long time.
All right you win, I will live as Rachel, rather than die as….
Well, it doesn’t matter who I was before or what my dead name was
I am Rachel, I have always been Rachel, period

Instantly everything I took for granted for years is only a memory.
I’m being dismissed, talked over, not taken seriously, I’m worried about my safety
All newly acquired realities, chapters in the gender dysphoria handbook
Actually they are also chapters from “How to live as a woman”
Another handbook I never got to read.
Other lessons that Rachel has learned on her dysphoria journey

Ouch!
That hurts, the machine counts the painful impulses with a light hearted beep
Ouch! How long did you say it will it take to get rid of my beard?
One hair at a time, the average beard has about 30,000 hairs
Oh my God… yep that’s right, every week for 3 or 4 years
I’ve spent $9000 and I still have another year to go.
Ouch, Ouch, Ouch

I’m sorry we don’t have a black bra in your size
The cup size isn’t the problem but your chest is so large
If you think my chest is big, you should see my feet
I say I like those black heels, “do you have a size 12?”
You’re kidding right?
Here’s a bra that will work for you, its $54 dollars
I’ll have to think about that
Clothes, underwear, makeup, jewelry, hair, nails the list goes on and on
You can’t imagine how expensive it is to live as a woman, and start from scratch.
When I say this women smile, men get a look that says huh?
And this is only the outside, there is so much more
It’s like being in school all day every day
With no summer vacations, ever

I try and explain, I can’t. They all try to understand, they don’t
Let me just say this, if you think this is courage it’s not, its survival.
It wasn’t a choice, No one, when told what this is like would choose this life
But I’m still here, I am Rachel, I’ve learned a lot and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
Go figure