Yesterday was to have been my surgery date in Montreal with Dr Brassard. My change in employment a few months back necessitated its postponement for another six months. So far so good, but for some reason my brain has decided that this would be the perfect time to second guess all the decisions I have made leading up to this point.
How am I to know what the right answer is for me?
I continue to travel down this same road again and again. It seems that after agonizing over all these huge decisions over the last 4 years, the situation has changed yet again. I have been presented with a new set of facts and my brain, in its quest to leave no stone unturned at least 6 times, goes back to the beginning of the decision making process yet again. It feels compelled to reexamine the same terrain one more time. Granted there are some new facts but the basic premise has been decided for a long time. What do I hope to accomplish by litigating the basics yet again?
Here are the facts as I see them this morning.
I am transgender, I am transgender through and through and I have always been transgender, period.
I have wanted to complete my transition with surgery – forever, OK, almost forever
Now that I am within a stone’s throw of accomplishing my goal I’m freaked out.
I’m worried about the money, it’s hard for me to believe that is what actually has me bothered, especially since my settlement with a former employer will give me enough to pay for it. Is it the cautious remnants of my previous life? The last hurrah of a persona too fearful for sixty years to take any chances at all. or is it simply the enormity of the step I’m about to take?
Or is it something peculiar to my personality?
Is it worth the effort to try and convince myself that all the decisions I came to before are still valid, or is it just as easy to go back and go through them all again?
What am I so worried about?
Am I worried that I will be undertaking something I have no earthly concept of how difficult it is going to be? Yes, I accept that I have no idea what this is going to feel like. Like trying to explain what it is like to be transgender, I won’t truly know until I live that reality.
Am I worried I’ll be disappointed with the results? No I’m not. To physically see myself as the person I am is as they say, priceless.
Could I spend the money on something that would make a more significant difference in my life? No, this is the most fundamental change I could possibly make, something I have thought about my entire life.
Does the permanence scare me? This is after all a one way trip. No, I’ve made the commitment to this, I can visualize it, I have dreamed about it, I have looked at it in every possible light, from every possible angle. I’m sure there are things I’ll discover that I never imagined but that will be true of whatever I do, and I’m willing to take the risk.
Thousands have gone before me, they have said that the risk, the pain and the expense has been worth it. Why should I be any different? I’m not any different, a little older than most perhaps, but fundamentally the same as all that have come before me.
I have examined all of these things again and again and again and I am finished.
This is my declaration of certitude.
March 14, 2016
Let the countdown begin!