I sit here at the coffee shop contemplating my little corner of the universe and my future in it. Where once it seemed so clear, it is now exists as an undefined point without form, without substance. The image in my mind of my future has slowly changed from one that was clear, one that was if not detailed at least was defined to one that has all the definition of a fog bank. It’s there but not really.
The onset of the latest wave of depression changes everything, I’m suddenly struggling to keep my thoughts positive or at least to keep them from sliding any further into the abyss. I try to put words to the feelings that come unbidden. I can feel the wave, the tightness that signals the onset of the tears. My first reaction is to squeeze my eyes closed more tightly but it’s never tight enough. Then I say “fuck it, let it come” and it always obliges me.
I feel so foolish. I know deep down somewhere that this is all about chemistry. Rearrange the chemicals and it changes everything and that certainly applies to human brain chemistry, change the chemistry a little bit and it changes everything.
I take a deep breath
I imagine visions that convey the pain but they don’t explain it well enough. To try and convey to another individual how I feel and why leaves me at a loss for words, an unusual occurrence to say the least.
I cry for help but the problem arises. If I can’t describe it to myself how can I convey the problem to others. My friends ask, “What triggers it?” I don’t know. “What can we do to help?” I don’t know. “What are you going to do about it?” I don’t know. I suspect that they think I’m being evasive, I’m not, or that I’m simply out of my mind which I may be.
I’m sure that being transgender complicates things. Actually being human complicates things, but being transgender adds several more layers of complexity to the equation. It also adds a serious dose of hormones just to complicate the chemistry equation. I continue to try and make sense of my situation, examining each of the emotions as they come crashing down upon me. I try and remember the awesome feelings I have experienced over the last three years, I try and recall how I felt that this happened for a reason.
I’m not sure what to do next, I can only imagine what my friends think. I’m sure they feel badly as they watch me dissolve right before their eyes.