I have moved from a place where the sky, the purest shade of blue, always set a flawless backdrop for the sun perfect in its warmth. The soft sounds of the world around me playing a soundtrack of peace and contentment. I had complained that I had needed to see a therapist to deal with guilt over feeling so happy.

As has happened before in my life, a change in circumstances have necessitated a relocation. I have searched for the place where I belonged, one that fits my current situation.  My new neighborhood is decidedly different from the last, populated with demons of various shapes and sizes.  The weather marked by fierce winds the direction of which changes almost minute by minute. The sun  makes only sporadic appearances through lowering clouds. The sounds reach my ears discordant and sad reinforcing the reality that life has changed forever.

Unsure of how long I will live here I’ve agonized over how much baggage to cart with me. I have visited this neighborhood before but I never moved in. This visit is different. I consider my options, a nice spot under a bridge perhaps, down by the tracks for added ambiance or a basement apartment windowless and damp. The choices are so numerous how is one to decide? Sunshine and blue skies are so overrated, alone in the dark is really the way to go.

I have agonized over my situation, searching for plan B to deal with the loss of my job, loss of my health insurance, being alone, being old, being trans. Especially being trans, but last night I came to the realization that there is no plan B, what you see is what you get. I’m disconnected from family for the most part, lost most of my long term friends, see no chance of ever having an intimate relationship again and now I’ve decided that proceeding with the gender surgery is simply something I can not do.

Like the space launches of my youth the countdown has been put on hold at “T” minus 95 days. It remains to be seen if the launch will be scubbed, they’re working to fix the problem but the window of opportunity is small and rapidly closing.

and

I am so tired.