I wonder how much of the angst that I deal with and suffer through is shared by others on this planet. I recall how when my sexual awakening had me trying to deal with things that had no names, I was absolutely certain I was the only person that had ever had to deal with such things. That has me wondering, am I truly unique or does everyone agonize over these weighty questions.
I postulated yesterday that I am a specimen in an experiment. That like a rat being tested for responses, I’m fed stimuli and my reactions are recorded. Looking back over my life the primary focus for this research has been stress management as it relates to fear with minor investigations into longing, guilt and regret.
I wonder what he, she, they’ve learned so far, I like to think that I’m much more resilient than I look. That just a little bit of good news has me back in the game again. Although perhaps it’s how easily I cam be driven to despair. Maybe it’s a question of how long a person that lives for, that thrives on emotional intimacy can survive in a void, maybe it’s just how many times I can be driven down before I finally capitulate. There is no way of knowing, I wasn’t on the research team that designed the protocol. It certainly would make bearing up under the stress a little bit easier if I just knew how long how many more shocks my system had to endure.
That I have to fight this battle again and again lends additional credibility to the idea that this all an experiment. What do scientists do when they are trying to prove a theory? They run the same experiment again and again to see if the results are repeatable. Then they change one of the variables and run it again to see if they get a predictable result.
That my mind is now revisiting questions that I thought were already answered is maddening. It seems that things that have been decided should stay decided.