Another day come and gone, a rather unremarkable occurrence unless you consider the depth of my despair only a few short days ago. That plunge into blackness provides a new context that colors the mundane events of yesterdays passing in a way that I could scarcely have imagined. Having found a reason to go on or perhaps it was dismissing the reasons that I thought I had for not going on, I went to town to engage in some self care.

I started with a pedicure, it’s been a long time since I’ve had one and as I stood at the desk to check in I recalled how nervous I was last time, actually, now that I think about it I was terrified. It is amazing the difference a year can make and oh what a year this has been.  At the next question,”have you been here before?” I hesitate, “well yes and no” I reply and launch into a silent philosophical argument with myself. She looks at me quizzically while I examine whether I was actually here, I look differently, I think differently, all the markers of my life say that I have never been here before. I smile and say yes I was here but I was Richard then I am Rachel now, she smiles knowingly and says we’ll change that while your filling out the paperwork. There was a time that a situation like that would have appeared almost life threatening but that was a long time ago.

A walk around town a little window shopping, stopping at my favorite bar I’m invited to share a table with some special people. Then off to the drum circle to replenish my soul. Fleeing the rhythm for some solitude, I sit at a bistro table on the street sipping a glass of wine and thinking how much distance I’ve traveled since Monday, is it possible that it’s only Friday? An older couple strolls by and stopping a few steps past me the woman turns takes a step back and looking directly at me says, “you look very pretty tonight” I smile and say,” thank you”