I have passed through my “Dark of the Soul”, that night when living is down to taking one breath and then one more breath, when the reason for going on is buried under a mountain of reasons not to.

The absence of light is absolute, the darkness impenetrable. this is the test, the time when you’re absolutely alone and life and death hang in perfect balance. It is time to choose,

As I strain to see what this is about I am reminded that the reason may not be apparent for a very long time, if ever. The blackness of the hole I’ve fallen into dampens my senses until only my heartbeat remains. This can not be a logical argument, a scientific evaluation. Any choice to go on depends on a faith that the Universe knows what it is doing and that after all I’ve been through, to have it end like this could not be the plan.

It has taken me a lifetime to get to the point where I believe that what I think and do has any effect on the way that my life unfolds. That belief, so long in coming, makes this situation both better and more difficult at the same time. To accept that this happened for a reason and not be able to know what that is, is maddening, To not be able to see the lesson, at first, made me doubt that there was one, then it caused me to question my intellect, maybe I’m just not smart enough to figure it out.

This naturally leads me to an examination of my spirituality. Raised as a Christian, I stopped believing a long time ago in a God that controls all, who created all. I have never stopped believing, however, that as I look out into the Universe that there isn’t something larger than myself. My life the last three years has convinced me that the Universe is aware, that everything is in some way connected. I have been shown wondrous things, I have shared marvelous interactions with amazing people and been given gifts that I could not believe I deserved.

The result of all this has been remarkable, The Universe has succeeded in creating faith in me. The kind of faith that I searched for, longed for as I went to church each week as I grew up. It has now taken root in me and as I lay curled in a ball struggling for that next breath. I must have experienced a moment of clarity,  a moment of almost religious faith. I found an acceptance that what will be is what is supposed to be.

It will be OK, I will get through this and I will continue to live my authentic life. I will make a difference in the lives of others.

Wow…. maybe the lesson has been about the power of having faith….. I will definitely have to think about that one for a while, but I do see that my life is awesome and has never stopped being awesome

Rachel is grateful again.