The little pink pills have won their battle or the continuing voyage of Rachel’s self discovery.

After adding 2 little pick pills to my morning regiment my world shifted. At first the crying stopped and the mood lightened, then it continued drying all the tears yet to be shed, years of tears blotted up before they had a chance to emerge. That scared me badly, to live without tears appeared to be a life not worth living. I then discovered that all it took was the right key and as I inserted the dying husband of a friend into the lock, the tears flowed and flowed and flowed. A couple of more weeks and life seems to have found its equilibrium. The joy and energy has returned, life is back to looking awesome. In fact, yesterday at my therapist, I ran out of things to talk about before I ran out of time. It has not happened in a while and portends good things on the way.

That brings me to the point today, my therapist suggested that now that I seem to have a new vantage point I might benefit from addressing a letter to my other self the one that has been living without joy, drowning in tears. This sounded like a good idea although a letter to myself at 14 sounded like a good idea as well, it turned out to be that but it was a painful exercise  of discovery.

So here goes. I write this to you, that part of me that represents the sadness, the melancholy, the shadows passing in front of the sun. Today’s vantage point allows me to look back, I can still see your outline through the haze but your voice has been stilled. As I stare at you you begin to look familiar, I need to take a very good look at you, my life depends on recognizing you when you come calling again.  The revelation comes in a flash, we were very close once having spent a long year in a very deep relationship. It was that familiarity that caught me unawares, thinking that you were an old friend I let you in. It was only then that I recognized that you would not be able to help me and like an unwanted house guest I could get you to leave on my own. You convinced me that my life was meaningless and the joy that I felt was delusional. I knew at some level that it wasn’t true but you are so persuasive. I resisted asking for help thinking it showed me as weak but in the end I needed help to show you to the door.

It has been amazing how quickly the joy returned once you were relegated to the backyard. The emotions that you had surrounded me with have melted away and like the words of a false profit the truth has finally become clear. I do have so much to be grateful for. My life has been very satisfying since I decided to share the real me with the world and I’m back, life is awesome again.

Your still in the backyard and every once in a while you knock on the door to be let it, I think I’ll let you stand outside in the rain for a while longer. It’s so warm and joyful inside next to the fire.