OK… so I have a serious crisis developing, maybe crisis is too strong a word, maybe realization would be better. My life for the past 2 years has been awesome, but I’m beginning to realize it feels that way because of the blinders I’ve worn. It feels that way in part because I haven’t really been willing to see the truth about it.
I can hear my ex-wife saying, “they say that the euphoria will wear off after another year or so” I can hear my brother say, “you know you’ll never be pretty” I can hear… well what difference does it make what I can hear, I never bought into it, I knew this would allow me to be happy and it has.
There is more to happiness though,
I love people, I like being with friends and I most certainly would like to have a lover but being trans complicates things, being old complicates things, being me complicates things. Well you get the idea. I have worked hard to be a friend to those in my community, I threw myself into community activity, to meet people, to make a difference, but perhaps it was just for distraction. I go to three support groups, I volunteered for Habitat for humanity, I signed up to work on a committee for the community center, I participate in the Women build. I recorded a video to be included in a play, I agreed to do an interview that will appear in the newspaper.
I’m almost breathless just thinking about it all.
The fact is it’s not enough. That I write and post these musings on the web is because I don’t have anyone else to share them with. It’s true that I have a lot of friends but they’re half my age, it’s true that they’re happy to see me but I have to go looking for them. I’m included but at the same time always on the outside.
I think maybe in the end I may have just waited too long to climb this mountain.
I have read and re read this a number of times and decided that it sounds whiny and way too needy but I felt this when I committed it to paper so the feelings are genuine.
This transgender journey is certainly an ongoing study in personal emotional growth and discovery.